- What’s wrong with the pain? It’s affecting your daily life. Other than that? It takes your time and energy.
Pain is nothing bad. Sadness is a deep emotion. Please don’t avoid it. It’s a blessing in disguise. It must end by its own accord.
Acceptance is the key
It doesn’t mean to settle for lower standards. Never. Acceptance, when you accept the situation totally, there’s no suffering created. It simply means to see the situation as itis.But, the question is not about how to accept?Let’s try to see what’s distorting your reality. Most probably -your ego. I’m this, I’m that. Still I’m rejected…. Or The opposite… I’m worth nothing. That’s why I’m rejected. Or. I have planned everything so well, I thought it would work perfectly, but still I got rejected.
Whatever we call as self-image or self-respect can turn into a self-sabotaging tool unconsciously.May be we will feel good about ourselves for some time. But pain won’t work according to your ego. It will anyway come if there’s an unfinished business. First step is to dissolve this ego. Cry if you want to cry, just ask, who am I now? We own no one really. It’s all an illusion. Even when we’re in love we know that. Because the layer of illusion is just skin deep. After all, do you own yourself? It’s just a temporary residence (your body and mind).
When you are finally free of your identifications which are causing pain, you will see it yourself.
It was compulsion, not lies. It ended just some moments later. Just as me, they were also compulsive. But when they were finally back to senses – the rejection. The rejection may also be a compulsion….. Who knows?
If I can’t forgive her compulsions, how will I forgive my own?
Not because you did something wrong or right.Wasn’t it there with yourself too? If not in this affair, before sometime? Do you have any idea of how others might have been affected by you the same way? May be others moved on without even taking any pain. But we can’t deny we had created similar situations in the past. If never happened in the past, can you deny you won’t do the same in future? The seeds of rejection, jealousy and lust is there inside everyone. They did nothing big, it’s just what you could have done. It doesn’t deserve all the suffering you are creating unnecessarily.
When you adopt the mentality of double standards, you are digging your own grave
After all, don’t settle for temporary solutions. That’s a big trap. Pain will simply multiply after sometime. Maybe your friends can help you forget it for some time. But what’s the point? Face it head on. May be it need more energy than before. Whatever it costs face it head-on.
The pain will go, be patient. You are suffering your own LOVE. Should you even suffer that?
2. All this starts with attraction. You see a girl, she fits your love map (a type of preference for features in terms of voice we will talk, walk side by side, we will share each other’s joyous and sad moments, all this is piled up in your mind. When you put it to practice, start approaching him or her, she may like it or may get offended. The chances are she will reject, because it will make her feel best and she will think twice why this one, why not to get someone better, if this dude (which is you) is dreaming and dying for me, there is possibility others will also.
The important point to be noted here is, you took her too serious at first place, this seriousness makes a person desperate and desperation kills attraction.
You may try to behave in the ways that you are not desperate but she will catch your natural facial expressions and many other clues.
The more serious and unrealistic you become the more she will run away
Now let me tell you why it pains.
- Because it hurts your self-esteem.
- Because it shatters your imagination that other person will come up with magic wand and wipe away all your problems. It is real essence of immature love. We feel we are incomplete, worthy without other person, my personal experience.
- Because you have developed the mindset, there is only one girl on this planet….only one ….Love really makes us blind. This type of love…
- You may have low self-esteem. That can also become a catalyst for breaking your heart, when rejected
Now let me give you solutions, mind them well ……smarty…..dude.
- Be at least realistic to understand, that as much desperation you will show up….the same will be intensity of heartbreak. Understand man …and trust me .If she loves you back ….with same desperation …it may make you feel good for few days, but later you will lose attraction slowly. This is the difference between love and attraction…love grows attraction fades away.
- You don’t realize you can make any girl beautiful than her love you back, but with right kind of approach. First of all don’t give a damn…if you liked someone, you did your part, expressed. Now it’s their role to either accept or reject. Why you should be bothered. Are you going to say to someone, please love me, read once more how cheap and nonsense it seems. I am sorry to say but we all do the same, in one sided or so called unrequited love.
- Don’t be desperate man. Just start working on your weaknesses, the more you grow the more you will love yourself. You won’t become victim of this kind of love. But people will approach you, and even if you want to approach, it will be health and mature.
- Make a journal…and write down everything whatever comes to your mind. Also make a two columns journal on one side right your negative thoughts and on other think the realistic options right them down.
Last we fall many times in unrequited love ….till we become mature….
Remember don’t wait for anyone, anything.” every moment waited, is a moment wasted and every wasted moment degrades your clarity of purpose”
Stay Strong…you are the special
3. I would agree that this is a difficult situation to deal with -for both parties involved. I believe I told this whole, long winded story in a previous answer, so I will keep this brief and on point.
The best way to handle unrequited love is -as another answerer stated “prevention” -and if you can’t prevent it, then purge it.
Create as much distance between yourself and that person as possible. This can be difficult if this person is a friend, coworker or someone who has done no wrong by you.
However, if that person betrayed your trust (as in my case) it can be much easier to let go. At least physically -mentally may be another story. But that is just me.
One way to look at it is this: just as your romantic feelings went unrequited, they’re feelings of platonic friendship (if genuine) must be unrequited by you as well. When you both are on two different wavelengths, no communications can exist. And unless one of you can come to a compromise -there is nothing more that can exist between you two.
In my case, my unrequited love lasted way longer than it should -and when I finally let go of her (as in ignoring her attempts to ‘keep in touch’ with me) we both benefited in the long run. She is now married to the father of her child and things (I hope) are looking up for her. I am still alone, but I feel way better now, two years later, than if I kept in touch as she wanted.
I will close by saying that some say unrequited love is ‘bullshit’ given that you cannot truly ‘love’ someone that doesn’t love you back. I will agree that in most cases the ‘love’ is more akin to ‘lust’ and ‘sexual attraction’ and thus can go away quickly. But when you put someone’s feelings ahead of your own and wish them happiness no matter what they’ve done to you -then that is love -unconditional love.
To this day that is what I feel for her, despite everything. And I have no regrets for loving her or letting her go.
4. “How can I get rid of the pain of unrequited love?” You don’t. I think if you want to avoid pain or try to get rid of it, the more painful it becomes and the more difficult it is to come to peace with the pain. Because you don’t have a friendly relationship with the pain that is obviously abiding in you.
As a woman my experience of unrequited love was painful. I went from wanting to control my feelings and desires for the beloved to trying to convince myself of all reasons not to like him anymore and trying to rationalize or intellectualize the pain away.
For me, what helped was telling him that I had feelings for him. Even though he responded that he did not feel the same for me, which hurt a lot, I am still glad I shared it with him as it helped me to slowly deal with new, albeit painful feelings. There were some instances where I also shared how I was still having feelings for him. What helped me was that he would continuously say indirectly how he did not feel the same for me which helped me a lot too, because I had hopes.
I chose to remain friends with him than ‘blocking him or staying the hell away from him’ because I knew if I did that, the feeling will grow stronger and persist.
It was difficult to continue talking and even through just talking I think he sensed that I still liked him and started to take a distance from me, which of course hurt. But I’m glad I followed my feelings and now that we are a lot more distant, I guess this is what it is.
In actuality, there is nothing really that could take the pain away depending on how strong the feelings are.
But one thing I did was to allow myself to feel desire and fondness for this person. I allowed myself to obsess, hold on, text, show love, etc but I have also done the ‘acting cool’, trying to show that I’m over him and just being a friend.
You can stay busy, meet and date other people, but if you’re the lingering kind, it won’t be easy to quickly move away from your beloved. Give yourself time. Most importantly, allow yourself to feel all those things you feel towards the beloved eg love, anger, frustration, hate, desire, affection, interest, fondness and feel it to the maximum. Drain it out. Try not to control or hold back too much.
4. Here are few tips to feel better and to let go of an unrequited love.
STEP 1 : do some inner introspection.
- Realize thatfalling in love is NOT a conscious decision. I’m talking about romantic love. We don’t get to choose who we develop these feelings for.
“The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of…” – Blaise Pascal”.
It can be a real frustration, but asking the other to love us when it’s not in their control is egoistical.
- Understand that nothing is wrong with you. Most of the time, when we can’t get over an unrequited love it’s because we have poor self-esteem. We believe that if the other person didn’t love us, there must be something wrong with us. Especially when the other person is nice, caring, intelligent, and owns many qualities, we assume that we are not good enough if they didn’t reciprocate our love. We convinced ourselves that we will never find someone as great/awesome as him/her. Please replace these negatives beliefs by positive thoughts.
- Stop fantasizing about you and him/her being/ending together this is really hard but you won’t get over that person by still holding on hopes.
Furthermore, you are creating a wrong/false image of the person. The fact that someone doesn’t want you, is a red flag and makes you fundamentally incompatible which means it’s time to opt out, process the loss, and accept.
- Stop thinking that this person is your only source of happiness.You don’t imagine your life without them. You know you would be SO much happier if they were in your life. Please, stop this already. You must be happy with yourself first. You were happy before you met them. Go find your true self. The happy you.
- Ask yourself these questions. What are you avoiding in your life to be so hung up on one person? Why can’t you let go of that person? Sometimes, we don’t want to let go of a person who doesn’t love us” because we don’t want to get love from someone with the capabilities to treat us with love, care, trust, and respect – we want to get it from someone who feeds into our beliefs and mirrors our pattern and so when someone doesn’t want us, it confirms the negative stuff that we openly and quietly think about ourselves.” (I can’t believe they don’t want me by Nathalie.) We get the love we think we deserve.
Take some distance from the other person. Head up and tell that person (text or face to face), that you can’t have them around and that you need to grief. You can’t move on if the person still text you or hang out with you. I personally can’t. I did this and while I was in contact with that person, I still held onto hopes that he would realize that I’m the one for him. WRONG.
focus on you. Do you dislike something about you? Work on it to make it better. Did you ever dream to take drama class, to learn a new language, take a trip alone? Go get there! Get out of your comfort zone. Focus on improving yourself. You will feel SO much better. But you need to be consistent with it. Have a real discipline.