Really? I think you’re full of shit!
If you genuinely wanted to be ruthless and cold then it wouldn’t matter what anyone else said, because you wouldn’t care enough to care what they thought.
So, stop trying to get attention from people this way because it’s not helping you and it’ll eventually get to the point where no one else will have the energy to keep trying to help you.
I think you have low self-esteem due to something or someone/s actions or words or beliefs, and you have accepted this to mean you are faulty, or wrong, or bad or whatever it is you have been told you are. But guess what? You’re not bad, you’re not broken, you’re not faulty, you’re not wrong, it’s not your fault, and hurting yourself or others achieves nothing but more pain, guilt, sadness, regret, rejection and so much more.
So, acknowledge what it is that hurts you or degraded you or took away your power and cry it out, scream it out, find a huge piece of chip board and punch the f*** out of it, do whatever you need to do to purge all these negative emotions you have trapped inside you.
And then go to a place where you feel safe, even better, somewhere that you feel good and if possible go to sleep. If you can’t sleep then get yourself in a comfortable position, close your eyes and consciously focus on breathing in and out as slowly as you can.
Breathe in through your nose, hold it briefly then breathe out through your mouth.
As you breathe in, think of something (anything at all) that brings a smile to your face or that makes you feel good…even if it’s just a tiny little bit good, it doesn’t matter, it just has to be something positive.
Then as you slowly breathe out through your mouth, imagine your negative, bad, sad, yucky, painful etc thoughts and feelings are flowing out of your body with your exhaling breath.
Breathe in the good, breathe out the bad, breathe in the good, and breathe out the bad. And do this for at least 3 minutes, more if you can, and just keep your focus on your breathing in good and out bad and without realizing it at first, you’ll find yourself becoming aware that your body has started to relax, your lower half will feel a little heavier as if it’s almost sinking into whatever you’re resting on, and you’ll have a general feeling of relief all over.
This is what you need to do every time you’re feeling out of control or at risk or whatever it is that you feel. And I can guarantee you that if you can do this on a fairly consistent basis, you’re going to start seeing the world around you in a very different way.